You Need To Take Your Ass To The Doctor!!!!

Well, I'll be honest. I've already had the chickenpox and thank God!!! Adult chickenpox is NO JOKE and this guy made it apparent that he was going through HELL!!!!!

I met Chicky Itchy on POF. His profile seemed genuine. His pictures made me smile and his words were entertaining. I'm not going to say that I was thinking of my future with this guy...(2-3 kids, a golden retriever, a large house with a white picket fence and professional kitchen and a nanny). But he seemed cool and I'm never one to reject new friends. We exchanged phone numbers and man did that change his game. Oh, his voice melted my panties right off. He spoke of his childhood in Ohio and how it was growing up on a farm..( the sound of brakes screeching in my mind)....wait...did he say FARM?!? I hope he doesn't expect me milk a cow?!? I didn't take 4H, I'm from San Diego. So anywho, he spoke of his family and how his parents are still married. It's comforting to hear that ones parents are still together. It gives you an idea on how this man will be in a relationship.  Whoopie!!! I felt like I hit the jackpot!!!

After our three hour conversation we agreed to meet for sushi which is perfect because in my world, sushi is a main food group for me. He actually let me pick the place and of course I picked RK Sushi on Washington.  I know there are better places, but this place makes my favorite roll and it's not a stuck up, stuffy place. Great food, cold sake and great customer service. 

He was waiting out front for me. But I noticed that he kept scratching his chest, his neck, his arms...pretty much every appendage.  Maybe it was a nervous tick. As I approached, I saw these little lesions on his face and arms. He didn't look anything like the healthy man I saw in his pictures.  This man was gaunt looking. His skin was a pastie gray. He looked as if he was half the person that I was suppose to meet. I felt so bad. I introduced myself and he went in for a hug and I held out my hand instead. At this point, I don't know what Chicky Itchy has. I asked him if he was okay. He said he was feeling fine except the "minor" 104 degree temperature and these lesions that showed up before meeting me online. I looked at him, as he scratched his head, then his arm and then his package. And man, was he going at his package. Scratching it so hard, I thought he would have scratched his pens and balls right off!!!  He apologized and didn't know why he was so itchy? I watched his hand reach around to his backside and he started scratching his ass. I felt so awful for this guy. I asked him if he has ever had chickenpox? He looked at me with such disgust on his face and answered with a stern, "NO", as he continued to scratch his ass and package!!! He acted like I asked him if he had HIV?!? 

Well, I looked at him and told him that I suspected that he had chickenpox. At this point, he has scratched his lesions so badly that they were starting to bleed. I told him that I think he needs to go to the doctor. He looked at me, with anger in his eyes and said, "Fuck You...if you think you're too good to have sushi with me, i'll just take my ass to the doctor. All you had to say was that you didn't want to continue this date. I'm better than you anyway!" 

He stomped off like a child who just got his toy taken away, got in his Infiniti and screeched off. Chicky Itchy was obviously a Dicky Wickey!!! I dodged another bullet!!!

Have You Ever Heard Of Depends?!?

I can't believe I'm admitting this to all of you. Of course I have my other embarrassing posts, but thank God I was on the other side of the "table". This is a truly "shitty" story...no pun intended!  So here we go...

I met Shitty McShitterson on POF. Yes, I know there are SOOOOOO many winners on that site but hey, this woman stays hopeful. So, he was average height of 5'11" (I'm about that in heels). His hair was like waves of the silkiest chocolate and his eyes were the color of fall. He was beautiful. Our conversation was kind of bland but I didn't really care. Looks takes you a long way and man I was surprised that this Adonis was single. We spoke on the phone and he sounded odd. I had asked him if he was okay and he said absolutely except for the fact that he was on the tail end of having food poisoning. He said that he had endured the most draining experience from the rooter to the tooter, aka he did nothing but throw up and shit (lovely, I know). I told him that we didn't have to meet up until he felt 100 percent. He said he was confident in his health that he would be fine. I said okay, but to be honest, I kinda knew this was going to end up in a huge shit pile. 

He wanted to try a new place so we met at Cowboy Star. Great steakhouse and an amazing staff. I walked in and there he was sitting at a table in the corner. Had I known what was going to happen on this date, I would have picked a COMPLETELY different table...outside. 

The conversation was much better in person,  thank God. He was telling some pretty good jokes and told me his life story which, surprisingly was interesting.  He had genuinely piqued my interest. I started to notice these little beads of sweat forming rivers on his forehead. He wiped his face and continued telling his story. He paused and he grabbed his lower regions. I heard his stomach make a growl that made the people at the table glance over. His stomach was growling so loud, like serious angry sounds. Even the server could hear in that loud ass restaurant. She came over to ask if everything was okay. He suddenly gripped the table, looked at me with empty red eyes and apologized. I said, "for what"? And suddenly, a look of relief washed over his face and the most ungodly of scents whiffed under my nose. I looked at him, placed my finger under my nose in hopes that whatever came out of him wouldn't affect my smell forever. I'm talking about a combination of bad seafood, rancid steak and rotten asparagus. God damn, this was the worst smell I have ever experienced. Shitty McShitterson just shit his pants. I guess he had been holding it between the story of how his parents met and one of his jokes. The people next to us moved tables. In fact, the patrons of the restaurant moved at least a few feet from our table. The look of disgust was digging into me from every eyeball in the place.

 He jumped up grabbing his ass, and rushed to the men's room. I felt so bad for the guy, so I stayed and waited for him to return. And I waited.  And I waited. And I waited. I don't think Shitty is going to come out of the men's room. I was about to grab my purse to vacate that stinky ass environment when a much mature woman entered the restaurant,  greeting the hostess with a mom-like smile holding a pair of pants.  She ran right past me and headed straight to the men's room. I don't think I was ready for a family reunion and I'm almost sure that a little bit of Shitty died....of embarrassment. So I grabbed my purse and left money for the meal I was taking home and tip. Dude, this guy seriously shit his pants....on our date. First and last time that has ever happen.

I'm Sorry, Did You Just Say You Used To Wear An Orange Jumpsuit?!?

So as you all know, I am very blunt and honest. Nothing says honesty than putting your shit out there on a blog...RIGHT!!! Well this is definitely one of those stories. 

I met this guy on Match. He was hilarious with his words and gorgeous to boot. Eyes the shade of the clearest of skies, hair the color of wheat and a killer smile. What more could I ask for? He was 6'6" (HELLO!!! Can you say, tall athletic children. Can you also say, basketball scholarships!! FREE COLLEGE, Woohoo!!!) He had a master's degree (Thank God he can read). Damn, this guy was awesome on paper...well on screen but could he boyfriend material? There's always a potential in meeting someone, but as you've read in my previous posts...I meet A LOT of winners. 

After exchanging a few emails, we decided to meet. So he picked Cafe Chloe. Great choice for a first date. Great food and a never ending list of wines. I approached this man that could of been my date, but WTF is on his ankle?!? Is that an ankle monitor? Oh Jesus, how the fuck did I get myself into this one and he better have a creative story behind that thing on his leg. I decided to hold back my words just to see if he would explain this shit. So, I greeted him and he leaned in to give me a kiss on my cheek. His eyes sparkled and his smile was warm like the sun. Now throughout this entire date I know myself and that ankle monitor is going to be on my mind...damn! 

The conversation couldn't have been more smooth. I laughed, he laughed. I listened, he listened. There was no over-talking...it was amazing. He checked every characteristic on my list that i've been looking for...dammit!!! 

Well I asked him what he did for a living because it wasn't listed on his profile. NOTE: ( Peeps, always do your background work. Study your online dates profile...that way if he/she lies, you can catch them in his/hers bullshit.) So anywho, he explained to me that he used to be in the financial investment industry until ten years ago. So, in my mind I'm screaming to myself...please, please, please don't say you've been in jail for ten years. So I'm looking and listening intently to his story of grandeur. Homes in five different cities, only the best of cars in his garages, box seats at the opera, a personal tailor, limousines and car services, gifts of jewels and trips, etc.....and then he drops the biggest of bombs! Like a Hiroshima sized bomb!!! "Jailbird" huffs, pauses and explains that he just finished doing ten years in the pen for insider trading. IN THE FUCKING PEN PEOPLE!!! And now he was on probation for five years. He stuck his leg out to show me his ankle monitor. That thing was strapped around his funky socks like a tick on a dog. It wasn't moving. It kinda looked like a larger version of a pager with a strap. I couldn't keep my eyes off  of it. 

So he continued to complain about the food, the orange jumpsuit, the shoes and his cell mate. OMG, I'm out with a jailbird!!! He just spewed stories of pen activity. How difficult it was to get action, but he found a way (I don't even want to know if it was his hand, some dude named Tyrell or a broom handle). So after he was done, I guess I looked like I was in shock because he asked me if I was alright? To be honest, all I could imagine was him getting banged by Tyrell, and he would definitely be a bottom...he's too pretty. 

So, we said our goodbyes and I wished him the best...As I walked away a chill went down my back...eeewwww, Tyrell....