So I know that I've wrote about all my nightmarish online dates from the past, but I HAD to share this one with you guys. This lovely, fun date is from a couple of weeks ago. Let's just say, it ended up with me hiding behind a pillar and putting his ass in an uber.
Now, you all know I have used almost every online dating site, trying to find the man of my dreams or at least close to it...but this one I'm definitely NOT proud of. Yes, peeps I used Tinder. As I was swiping left, which I do more often than swiping right I chose to swipe right on this one profile. Single dad...that's okay with me as long as he knows how to balance a relationship and his kids. Beautiful blue eyes...they were bigger than I'm use to, but hey who am I to discriminate against someone who can see into my future with those things. English accent...Yes, please Mr. Darcy! So what if I want to be a character in one of Jane Austens novels. An English accent is always so romantic, lovely and a goddamn turn on. How could this date go wrong?
So, he had called me while I was celebrating the death of my favorite bar, Quality Social. We had made plans to meet at West Coast Tavern. Can I tell you, that accent had me melting into the phone like butter on a hot ass sidewalk in summer. My eyes rolled to the back of my head in pure delight as we said our goodbyes.
I bid adieu to my friends and was on my way.
I walked in, and of course being from this lovely city there isn't a bar that I can walk into where I don't know a soul. I don't know if that makes me friendly or a lush...hmmmm. Anywho, I saw my friend Cameron who is a bartender there (THANK GOD!!!!!!). Hey, if you've read my other post about my kidnapping then you know I'm cautious as hell! No need in being kidnapped and sold on the black market as a sex slave. So it was nice seeing a familiar, lovely face.
He was sitting at the back of the bar, with two 7&7's. One, I like a guy who does his homework. Two, I'm not sure how I feel about someone preordering before I get there. Hey, I met this guy online...ahem, on Tinder...you never know, regardless of that tasty accent.
So we sat, and talked about his kids, and his ex, and his kids, and his job, and his kids, and his ex all while I'm watching him down these drinks like water. He says to me, " I'm English, we can handle our alcohol." Unbeknownst to me, this was the furthest from the truth. He had ordered his third and I was on my second and he finished that one as quickly as the first. Holy Jesus, I think I've met my new drinking buddy. He tried to get the attention of the bartender by saying, "hey buddy, can I get another drink?" The bartender looked at him and said, "my name isn't buddy, it's Ryan. If you want another drink, ask for me by name." Um, so I know proper bar etiquette because I used to go out often. It's always best to know the person's name that's pouring your cocktail. So Ryan, poured him a water cutting him off. He refused to give him another drink. So I ordered a drink and my date looked at me with these GIGANTIC eyeballs, and I slid my drink over to him. At this point, I figured...hell, he's already in the friend box so why not take him to the greatest bar ever, Quality Social. I'm definitely one for introducing people to new friends, or maybe if I was lucky I could introduce him to an unsuspecting female and I would be off the hook.
We walked in and so much debauchery ensued. So many bottles of alcohol were being consumed. We approached the bar, and my friend handed him a bottle of champagne. He finished that bottle in 5 minutes. I kid you not!!!! We went out on the patio and there was a bottle of Patron Silver sitting there and he decided to pour shots for everyone including himself. One, shot after the other was demolished. Before I knew it, that bottle was empty. I noticed that he started to slur and I mean SLUUUUUUUR....so have you guys been keeping track of the amount of alcohol that was consumed by my date, yet? He went inside to get water...and yes, I said water. Why ruin this amazing show with water?!? I started talking to this guy about my banana nut bread recipe and my date pulls me away by my arm and tells me that every guy on the patio wants to fuck me. Ummmmm, okay...weirdo!!! Then, my friends came out to smoke a cigarette and I stood by them watching this train wreck of a man attempt to make conversation with strangers while spilling shots of tequila. WHERE IN THE HELL DID HE FIND ANOTHER BOTTLE!?! He almost falls trying to turn around, points my way and slurs, " THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND OVER THERE AND IM GOING TO FUCK HER SO HARD TONIGHT!!!!" My face, oh my face, oh the look on my face was priceless. I know I'm a black girl and I can't turn white from shock. But if I could, it would have been at that moment. Not eggshell, vanilla or cream. Like ghost WHITE!!!
He came over to me and slurred, "imma goingish bathroom, dontcha mood over okay?" I watched in complete shock as he walked away that my English gentleman is a drunk...like MAJOR drunk. Those dreams of being a character in a romantic English love story...GONE, POOF, VANISHED.
I watched him barely walk back to the patio and decided to take it upon myself and hide behind the brick column. At this point, he was so drunk I just wanted him to disappear. Maybe he'll find his way home without my assistance. I watched him as he took out his phone to text me. Come to find out later, he sent me 13 texts. How do you slur in a text, c'mon? He barely walked in and out and finally up the street. It was like watching a zombie from The Walking Dead. He was still texting me, my friends were laughing and I wanted to die of embarrassment. Like dig a grave and I'll jump in!!!! I felt bad, so I walked up to him, got him to order his own damn uber, put him in it and said my goodbyes. I walked across the street and noticed that his uber wasn't moving. So I had to walk back across the street and find out why. His uber driver asked if he was okay because he tried to ask him where his destination was and all he got was....670sulfhdxg4jkgf9...blah, blah, blah. I assured him that he NEEDED to go and he was fine. They took off. Thank Fucking God I didn't have to deal with him anymore. Talk about babysitting!!!!
