EXCUSE ME....YOU JUST SAID WHAT IS ON MY FRONT LAWN!!!!

So I know the plan is to write about past dates, but I HAD to write about this one. It's not very often that I go into my past for dates, especially old "industry" friends. I was a party chick or mini socialite of San Diego. I was out with my three "going out" friends any day of the week. Drinking shots and seeing the same friends over and over. Well there was this particular doorman I use to always flirt with. He never took the bait and I would slump into the club or bar with my tail between my legs from embarrassment and rejection. It continued to be our little game over the years. 

Well like most, I had to hang up my shot glass and actually grow up. I know, I know, I know.... sounds boring right? I figured I'd meet someone who didn't really want to date a "party girl". Well at least that was the consensus from the mouths of most men I went on dates with. So I started to appreciate everything my mom taught me from cooking to gardening which meant staying my ass at home. 

Fast forward 14 years later and here I am writing this lovely blog about my exciting oddball dating experiences. Well, this one is a bit on the spooky side. We will call him Mr. Doorman. I feel it's appropriate because that's what he use to do. Anywho, we reconnected through my business. I am the wrangler of knots, the punisher of muscles, the queen of relaxation...I am a masseuse, just in case none of you knew. So he came to see me and I of course flirted relentlessly. Yes, the thirst is real people! So through a few phone calls, we set a date. Finally, a man's man. The maker of useful things. Someone who isn't going to call on someone else to fix things. A man who uses his hands and in a good way. Bookshelves, leaky faucets fixed and yardwork completed, OH MY! This man could do it ALL. This point, I'm on my knees thanking the Lord Jesus Christ for sending me such a man. He's good looking, beautiful smile, and HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY ROOMMATES...I couldn't think of a more perfect partner. I'm imagining him working tirelessly in my yard, drenched from all the sweat and I in a lovely little yellow lace apron bless him with a cold glass of homemade lemonade. Okay people, I know...what the hell is up with my imagination, right?
Now, this shit really did happen. It's been like four years since a man has offered to come and pick me up. I totally get it. Why would you want some weirdo you met online knowing your address? Well given our past, I didn't mind at all. It was refreshing and one hell of a turn on.
We went to a few restaurants before settling on a Korean hot pot restaurant. Food was great. I actually drank my favorite beer (I usually opt for a glass of wine or 7&7, but it's better not to seem too stuffy), and the laughs never stopped. Dinner was over and we got back to his truck. Yessssssss, Mr. Doorman drives a big ass manly truck. I can honestly say, just being in the presence of so much manliness I might just have to change my panties. Good God, a man like this is a rare find. He's like finding that pair of $300.00 shoes you've been wanting for three years at a thrift store. We decided to go back to my place. And yes, I know your minds are going there and so did mine. But I can reassure you, I'm no longer at that age where I just jump at a cock. I wait patiently, let my leg hair grow (yes, that's my secret to keep from sleeping with someone....don't judge me) and woo them with my delicious cooking. Hey, my mom taught me well!!!
We get to my house and the conversation continued down an easy path. We talked about how gross he thinks that dogs should NEVER sleep in bed with you, how well his business is doing, how great of gardener he is (he had me at raised vegetable beds), how much he loves his family and ghosts. I looked at him, and for a minute I thought "this cannot be"? So, I was like, um okaaaaaaay...I'll play along. So I told him the story of my first experience in my house and how I didn't feel like I was alone but quickly got some sage the next day and smudged the hell out of my house. He looked at me with those gorgeous eyes (sorry, I can't really remember the color but I knew they were pretty) and says, "Yeah, he's an older guy who watches the property and wanted to come check you out." Momma said whaaaaaa?!? Remember that whole lemonade fantasy I had, well it was now in rewind. It all just faded away. Dammit, how did I break this one? So Mr. Doorman then goes on to tell me that he sees ghosts. In fact, I have a couple on the front lawn. They know that this is not their home, so they will never come in. ON MY FRONT LAWN, PEOPLE!!! He then remarks that he sees ghosts all the time and how they attach themselves to people to get around. First, I'm thinking dude you are NUTS. Second, can't most ghosts fly like Casper? I'm just saying! So, I'm trying to think of a way to get this nutcase out my house...what the hell to do? I know, I'll yawn alot. Like have a yawning fit and he'll think I'm exhausted. I had to interrupt his last ghost story since it was freaking me out with a yawn. Mr. Doorman looks at me and says, "man you must be exhausted? I think it's time for me to go home." YESSSSSSSSSS, it worked. And see, I didn't seem like a mega bitch to him. So, he went home. I quickly shut my door, locked both locks and burned some sage. Maybe it'll keep the crazies away too!!!

Clown Sex....Does That Include The Big Red Nose On Your...

So you guys all know I've gone out with some real winners, some big losers and some real fucking crazies.  From anal to shitting themselves at a four star restaurant, I've had them all. Well peeps this one takes the cake.  Ever heard of "clown sex"? Neither have I until this guy. So I met Tiny Pecker, that's what we'll call him, on POF. I read through his profile, looked through his pictures and he looked pretty decent. He was an entrepreneur,  tall and his profile was well written. He sent me a "favorite" and I figured, hell why not, so I favorited him right back. We started to chat, passing messages back and forth like school kids. He seemed down to earth, almost too normal.
So if you guys personally know me, I'm one that's attracted to personality more than looks. So 6, 7's and 8's are what attracts the most. I guess because I'm no longer in my twenties and not for sometime now, maturity has taught me that there's more than a pretty face to love.
So we decided to meet up for a drink at The Tipsy Crow. I'm not really a fan of this place with its kajillion tv's and the loud atmosphere, but it was just a drink.
I walked in and he was sitting in a booth in the back. I'm thinking, especially with all the weird dates I've been on, that he couldn't pick one closest to the exit....geez.
He had a warm smile, beautiful teeth and these gorgeous blue eyes. How could he not be normal. So we greeted each other and the conversation flowed like we hadn't missed a beat. We talked about our families, what our favorite dishes were and how we were when we were kids. Things couldn't of been more perfect. So at this point, I'm starting to peel away the layers. So I asked what he did for a living since it just listed "Entrepreneur" on his profile, from what I remembered.
He looked stunned. Like saw a ghost behind me stunned. Like, I killed his family pet stunned. He tried to avoid telling me, which I thought was weird. We ordered our drinks and I thought maybe he'll relax a little bit and tell me. He finished his in a matter of seconds. I'm thinking, what the hell does this man do to make him so nervous?
I told him that I'm not one to judge. I refuse to judge anyone on how they make money unless you're a stripper, prostitute or porn star. Then I keep my judgements to myself.
So he ordered two shots and another drink. People, I'm still on my first. He downs both shots and finally slows down for his cocktail. He looks up at me slowly, reaches into his pocket and pulls out this big, spongy red nose. At this point, I have no clue except this guy is a clown. Well, Tiny Pecker then announces loudly while stepping out of the booth with his arms spread wide, that he is a children's party clown. I turn around and everyone is staring hardcore at us. The embarrassment is killing me inside.
I then pull him into the booth and try to calm him down. He then excuses himself to the men's room. I want to run. Like bolt. I mean blur style running! But I stayed in that booth with full regret.
He returned from the men's room, not only with full face clown makeup, but started making balloon animals. Oh and his zipper was completely unzipped and he wasn't wearing boxers, to boot. He then yells out, "I'm a fucking clown, and I LOVE it!!!". I think being a clown was arousing to him because he was starting to peak out of the hole in his jeans, and he wasn't big. He wasn't even medium! The patrons are trying to tell him. I'm trying to tell him. The waitress is trying to tell him. But he's just making balloon animals while his dick was making an appearance. Zebras, frogs, poodles, giraffes and his dick...you name it and his dick was out there the whole time. He then returned to the booth, looked at me and with the most ridiculous clown smile, he asks me if I'm ready to get out of there and make "his little clown happy, because he was sad." I looked at him, pointed down to his tiny penis and told him that he was right about something...his dick is sad. I got up, closed out my half of the tab and walked out with my poodle balloon under my arm. 

The Cockiest Cock of Dallas

So, something that is EXTREMELY difficult to admit but I'm going to admit to all of you is that I went on frickin Tinder. Yes, I am slightly ashamed but in my defense, I used it for this post. Eh, what can I say...I'm definitely not looking for a hookup. What am I, in my twenties?!?

So, this guy...we'll call him Mr. Cock and I will explain later why the man gets this name. We had spoken on Tinder for a couple of days. Finally while sitting on a bar stool while drinking with my girlfriend Caitlin, he asked me to meet him at Barleymash. Now, I am not a huge fan of Barley only because it seems like a dick/vagina market. And people are not picky. Picture this, dick sees vagina. Vagina smiles at dick. They do a shot and go home together all to forget each other within minutes of hooking up. Well, I was on my way with hesitation. Even my girlfriend was like, "don't go, you should have him come over here and I'll act like I don't know you." Great idea! I probably would of done it, but Mr. Cock was hell bent on me going there. 

I walked in, and there he was sitting at the side bar with his cocky self. I walked up, introduced myself and immediately this douche started massaging my hands in close proximity to his dick. I immediately knew this shit was going down like the Titanic. 

The first question out of his mouth was, "so when did you lose your virginity?" Ummmmm, that's what you're opening with? I almost choked on my 7&7. I looked at him sideways, thought to myself...okay, I can play these fucked up mental games. 

So the next question that flew, literally FLEW out of his mouth was, "so, do you like threesomes, because I LOVE threesomes." Is this guy for real? I told him I don't like sharing, so no. Then he goes on to tell me about his yacht, three kids, his divorce and how his wife was the perfect wife, she just didn't like his freaky side. Wait, what!!! A freaky side? So, then he continued on to wanting me prego right away and how he wants me to pop out 10 kids. First off, I'm not sure how my vagina is going to handle one, but this freaking guy wants me to pop out 10?!?My response was, and remember I'm fucking with him..."can you afford 13 kids?" He looks at me cross-eyed and said, "duh...of course I can. I'm a financial planner and my wife never had to work and neither will you." Ummmmm, this guy is a crackhead if he thinks I'm going to let him impregnate me 10 times.

And finally the cherry on the sundae...this guy looks at me dead in my eyes, and says "you know what black women love about me?" Then takes my hand and places it on his big ol' bulge and says, "this is what black women love about me!" I pulled my hand away and told him that unfortunately I'm shaped like a kiddie pool...I'm extremely shallow in every way. He starts to laugh, tells me that he's been with Asian chicks before and they handled it like champs. I told him that alot of what he has as I point to his dick, will be wasted. He responds with, "oh we just have to find a proper position for Dragan to fit." Wait, this thing has a name? OMG, he's been watching to many episodes of Game of Thrones.

Thank God, a friend came over because Mr. Cock excused himself to the restroom and I was outta there. Straight stage right action. 10 kids with a guy who names his member Dragan...ummmm NOOOOOO THANK YOU!!!