So, something that is EXTREMELY difficult to admit but I'm going to admit to all of you is that I went on frickin Tinder. Yes, I am slightly ashamed but in my defense, I used it for this post. Eh, what can I say...I'm definitely not looking for a hookup. What am I, in my twenties?!?
So, this guy...we'll call him Mr. Cock and I will explain later why the man gets this name. We had spoken on Tinder for a couple of days. Finally while sitting on a bar stool while drinking with my girlfriend Caitlin, he asked me to meet him at Barleymash. Now, I am not a huge fan of Barley only because it seems like a dick/vagina market. And people are not picky. Picture this, dick sees vagina. Vagina smiles at dick. They do a shot and go home together all to forget each other within minutes of hooking up. Well, I was on my way with hesitation. Even my girlfriend was like, "don't go, you should have him come over here and I'll act like I don't know you." Great idea! I probably would of done it, but Mr. Cock was hell bent on me going there.
I walked in, and there he was sitting at the side bar with his cocky self. I walked up, introduced myself and immediately this douche started massaging my hands in close proximity to his dick. I immediately knew this shit was going down like the Titanic.
The first question out of his mouth was, "so when did you lose your virginity?" Ummmmm, that's what you're opening with? I almost choked on my 7&7. I looked at him sideways, thought to myself...okay, I can play these fucked up mental games.
So the next question that flew, literally FLEW out of his mouth was, "so, do you like threesomes, because I LOVE threesomes." Is this guy for real? I told him I don't like sharing, so no. Then he goes on to tell me about his yacht, three kids, his divorce and how his wife was the perfect wife, she just didn't like his freaky side. Wait, what!!! A freaky side? So, then he continued on to wanting me prego right away and how he wants me to pop out 10 kids. First off, I'm not sure how my vagina is going to handle one, but this freaking guy wants me to pop out 10?!?My response was, and remember I'm fucking with him..."can you afford 13 kids?" He looks at me cross-eyed and said, "duh...of course I can. I'm a financial planner and my wife never had to work and neither will you." Ummmmm, this guy is a crackhead if he thinks I'm going to let him impregnate me 10 times.
And finally the cherry on the sundae...this guy looks at me dead in my eyes, and says "you know what black women love about me?" Then takes my hand and places it on his big ol' bulge and says, "this is what black women love about me!" I pulled my hand away and told him that unfortunately I'm shaped like a kiddie pool...I'm extremely shallow in every way. He starts to laugh, tells me that he's been with Asian chicks before and they handled it like champs. I told him that alot of what he has as I point to his dick, will be wasted. He responds with, "oh we just have to find a proper position for Dragan to fit." Wait, this thing has a name? OMG, he's been watching to many episodes of Game of Thrones.
Thank God, a friend came over because Mr. Cock excused himself to the restroom and I was outta there. Straight stage right action. 10 kids with a guy who names his member Dragan...ummmm NOOOOOO THANK YOU!!!
