So I know the plan is to write about past dates, but I HAD to write about this one. It's not very often that I go into my past for dates, especially old "industry" friends. I was a party chick or mini socialite of San Diego. I was out with my three "going out" friends any day of the week. Drinking shots and seeing the same friends over and over. Well there was this particular doorman I use to always flirt with. He never took the bait and I would slump into the club or bar with my tail between my legs from embarrassment and rejection. It continued to be our little game over the years.
Well like most, I had to hang up my shot glass and actually grow up. I know, I know, I know.... sounds boring right? I figured I'd meet someone who didn't really want to date a "party girl". Well at least that was the consensus from the mouths of most men I went on dates with. So I started to appreciate everything my mom taught me from cooking to gardening which meant staying my ass at home.
Fast forward 14 years later and here I am writing this lovely blog about my exciting oddball dating experiences. Well, this one is a bit on the spooky side. We will call him Mr. Doorman. I feel it's appropriate because that's what he use to do. Anywho, we reconnected through my business. I am the wrangler of knots, the punisher of muscles, the queen of relaxation...I am a masseuse, just in case none of you knew. So he came to see me and I of course flirted relentlessly. Yes, the thirst is real people! So through a few phone calls, we set a date. Finally, a man's man. The maker of useful things. Someone who isn't going to call on someone else to fix things. A man who uses his hands and in a good way. Bookshelves, leaky faucets fixed and yardwork completed, OH MY! This man could do it ALL. This point, I'm on my knees thanking the Lord Jesus Christ for sending me such a man. He's good looking, beautiful smile, and HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY ROOMMATES...I couldn't think of a more perfect partner. I'm imagining him working tirelessly in my yard, drenched from all the sweat and I in a lovely little yellow lace apron bless him with a cold glass of homemade lemonade. Okay people, I know...what the hell is up with my imagination, right?
Now, this shit really did happen. It's been like four years since a man has offered to come and pick me up. I totally get it. Why would you want some weirdo you met online knowing your address? Well given our past, I didn't mind at all. It was refreshing and one hell of a turn on.
We went to a few restaurants before settling on a Korean hot pot restaurant. Food was great. I actually drank my favorite beer (I usually opt for a glass of wine or 7&7, but it's better not to seem too stuffy), and the laughs never stopped. Dinner was over and we got back to his truck. Yessssssss, Mr. Doorman drives a big ass manly truck. I can honestly say, just being in the presence of so much manliness I might just have to change my panties. Good God, a man like this is a rare find. He's like finding that pair of $300.00 shoes you've been wanting for three years at a thrift store. We decided to go back to my place. And yes, I know your minds are going there and so did mine. But I can reassure you, I'm no longer at that age where I just jump at a cock. I wait patiently, let my leg hair grow (yes, that's my secret to keep from sleeping with someone....don't judge me) and woo them with my delicious cooking. Hey, my mom taught me well!!!
We get to my house and the conversation continued down an easy path. We talked about how gross he thinks that dogs should NEVER sleep in bed with you, how well his business is doing, how great of gardener he is (he had me at raised vegetable beds), how much he loves his family and ghosts. I looked at him, and for a minute I thought "this cannot be"? So, I was like, um okaaaaaaay...I'll play along. So I told him the story of my first experience in my house and how I didn't feel like I was alone but quickly got some sage the next day and smudged the hell out of my house. He looked at me with those gorgeous eyes (sorry, I can't really remember the color but I knew they were pretty) and says, "Yeah, he's an older guy who watches the property and wanted to come check you out." Momma said whaaaaaa?!? Remember that whole lemonade fantasy I had, well it was now in rewind. It all just faded away. Dammit, how did I break this one? So Mr. Doorman then goes on to tell me that he sees ghosts. In fact, I have a couple on the front lawn. They know that this is not their home, so they will never come in. ON MY FRONT LAWN, PEOPLE!!! He then remarks that he sees ghosts all the time and how they attach themselves to people to get around. First, I'm thinking dude you are NUTS. Second, can't most ghosts fly like Casper? I'm just saying! So, I'm trying to think of a way to get this nutcase out my house...what the hell to do? I know, I'll yawn alot. Like have a yawning fit and he'll think I'm exhausted. I had to interrupt his last ghost story since it was freaking me out with a yawn. Mr. Doorman looks at me and says, "man you must be exhausted? I think it's time for me to go home." YESSSSSSSSSS, it worked. And see, I didn't seem like a mega bitch to him. So, he went home. I quickly shut my door, locked both locks and burned some sage. Maybe it'll keep the crazies away too!!!
Now, this shit really did happen. It's been like four years since a man has offered to come and pick me up. I totally get it. Why would you want some weirdo you met online knowing your address? Well given our past, I didn't mind at all. It was refreshing and one hell of a turn on.
We went to a few restaurants before settling on a Korean hot pot restaurant. Food was great. I actually drank my favorite beer (I usually opt for a glass of wine or 7&7, but it's better not to seem too stuffy), and the laughs never stopped. Dinner was over and we got back to his truck. Yessssssss, Mr. Doorman drives a big ass manly truck. I can honestly say, just being in the presence of so much manliness I might just have to change my panties. Good God, a man like this is a rare find. He's like finding that pair of $300.00 shoes you've been wanting for three years at a thrift store. We decided to go back to my place. And yes, I know your minds are going there and so did mine. But I can reassure you, I'm no longer at that age where I just jump at a cock. I wait patiently, let my leg hair grow (yes, that's my secret to keep from sleeping with someone....don't judge me) and woo them with my delicious cooking. Hey, my mom taught me well!!!
We get to my house and the conversation continued down an easy path. We talked about how gross he thinks that dogs should NEVER sleep in bed with you, how well his business is doing, how great of gardener he is (he had me at raised vegetable beds), how much he loves his family and ghosts. I looked at him, and for a minute I thought "this cannot be"? So, I was like, um okaaaaaaay...I'll play along. So I told him the story of my first experience in my house and how I didn't feel like I was alone but quickly got some sage the next day and smudged the hell out of my house. He looked at me with those gorgeous eyes (sorry, I can't really remember the color but I knew they were pretty) and says, "Yeah, he's an older guy who watches the property and wanted to come check you out." Momma said whaaaaaa?!? Remember that whole lemonade fantasy I had, well it was now in rewind. It all just faded away. Dammit, how did I break this one? So Mr. Doorman then goes on to tell me that he sees ghosts. In fact, I have a couple on the front lawn. They know that this is not their home, so they will never come in. ON MY FRONT LAWN, PEOPLE!!! He then remarks that he sees ghosts all the time and how they attach themselves to people to get around. First, I'm thinking dude you are NUTS. Second, can't most ghosts fly like Casper? I'm just saying! So, I'm trying to think of a way to get this nutcase out my house...what the hell to do? I know, I'll yawn alot. Like have a yawning fit and he'll think I'm exhausted. I had to interrupt his last ghost story since it was freaking me out with a yawn. Mr. Doorman looks at me and says, "man you must be exhausted? I think it's time for me to go home." YESSSSSSSSSS, it worked. And see, I didn't seem like a mega bitch to him. So, he went home. I quickly shut my door, locked both locks and burned some sage. Maybe it'll keep the crazies away too!!!
