Have You Ever Heard Of Depends?!?

I can't believe I'm admitting this to all of you. Of course I have my other embarrassing posts, but thank God I was on the other side of the "table". This is a truly "shitty" story...no pun intended!  So here we go...

I met Shitty McShitterson on POF. Yes, I know there are SOOOOOO many winners on that site but hey, this woman stays hopeful. So, he was average height of 5'11" (I'm about that in heels). His hair was like waves of the silkiest chocolate and his eyes were the color of fall. He was beautiful. Our conversation was kind of bland but I didn't really care. Looks takes you a long way and man I was surprised that this Adonis was single. We spoke on the phone and he sounded odd. I had asked him if he was okay and he said absolutely except for the fact that he was on the tail end of having food poisoning. He said that he had endured the most draining experience from the rooter to the tooter, aka he did nothing but throw up and shit (lovely, I know). I told him that we didn't have to meet up until he felt 100 percent. He said he was confident in his health that he would be fine. I said okay, but to be honest, I kinda knew this was going to end up in a huge shit pile. 

He wanted to try a new place so we met at Cowboy Star. Great steakhouse and an amazing staff. I walked in and there he was sitting at a table in the corner. Had I known what was going to happen on this date, I would have picked a COMPLETELY different table...outside. 

The conversation was much better in person,  thank God. He was telling some pretty good jokes and told me his life story which, surprisingly was interesting.  He had genuinely piqued my interest. I started to notice these little beads of sweat forming rivers on his forehead. He wiped his face and continued telling his story. He paused and he grabbed his lower regions. I heard his stomach make a growl that made the people at the table glance over. His stomach was growling so loud, like serious angry sounds. Even the server could hear in that loud ass restaurant. She came over to ask if everything was okay. He suddenly gripped the table, looked at me with empty red eyes and apologized. I said, "for what"? And suddenly, a look of relief washed over his face and the most ungodly of scents whiffed under my nose. I looked at him, placed my finger under my nose in hopes that whatever came out of him wouldn't affect my smell forever. I'm talking about a combination of bad seafood, rancid steak and rotten asparagus. God damn, this was the worst smell I have ever experienced. Shitty McShitterson just shit his pants. I guess he had been holding it between the story of how his parents met and one of his jokes. The people next to us moved tables. In fact, the patrons of the restaurant moved at least a few feet from our table. The look of disgust was digging into me from every eyeball in the place.

 He jumped up grabbing his ass, and rushed to the men's room. I felt so bad for the guy, so I stayed and waited for him to return. And I waited.  And I waited. And I waited. I don't think Shitty is going to come out of the men's room. I was about to grab my purse to vacate that stinky ass environment when a much mature woman entered the restaurant,  greeting the hostess with a mom-like smile holding a pair of pants.  She ran right past me and headed straight to the men's room. I don't think I was ready for a family reunion and I'm almost sure that a little bit of Shitty died....of embarrassment. So I grabbed my purse and left money for the meal I was taking home and tip. Dude, this guy seriously shit his pants....on our date. First and last time that has ever happen.