So folks, here is another dating story from my archives of online dating. We will call this guy, "Mr. Crab Fest". So, I've been dating online for five or six years. From Plenty of Fish to Match and now Tinder, I really can't make any of this stuff up. I met "Mr. Crab Fest" on POF and I thought he couldn't of been anymore perfect. He had eyes the color of sea glass, so beautiful I was seriously thinking of multiracial babies with these eyes. He had gorgeous tan skin just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, amazingly delicious. Oh, and his lips...God his lips were full and beautiful like two delicious plump pink pillows. This man was GORGEOUS!!! If a man has me thinking of procreating, then he must be from the heavens.
So, we agreed to meet at Searsucker downtown. I am usually on time or a bit early so I can do one last check before meeting my date. As I was coming out of the women's restroom, in walks this adonis! Every woman snapped their head back just to watch this man walk. But I noticed as he was walking in, he kept adjusting himself. I figured, hell this man might just be the size of a VERY large salami or he is wearing some pretty tight chonies. He looked like a million bucks, a billion bucks, maybe even a trillion bucks. But his hand kept creeping towards his junk.
I met him at the bar for a cocktail. My go to date drink is either a 7&7 or a glass of pinot noir. I drink 7&7's if I need a stiff one because my date is a disaster and looks a hot mess and a glass of pinot if I want to linger a bit longer because this man has my attention.
So "Mr. Crab Fest" was a delight to talk to. Very well spoken and knew how to crack jokes. Unfortunately, the punch line came after he scratched his schlong. Yes peeps, this man was a hardcore scratcher. I couldn't help it, my eyes would always drift towards his crotch because his hand remained there. I mean, scratching worse than anyone who has ever had eczema. Scratching worse than getting bit by a few hundred fleas. Grabbing at that thing like he was trying to keep it from falling off. Using any part of his arm to rub it, tug it and scratch it. And he was somewhat hard!!! He was making himself HARD!!! His eyes would roll to the back of his head like he was about to achieve ecstasy from scratching. He grabbed my arm and let out a slight moan and quickly tried to regain his composure. This guy was having an orgasm from his scratching. He basically came in his slacks. This is the first time in my life that I know that it wasn't me that turned this man on. I've never seen such a thing. Could this be? Could this beautiful man have crabs?!?! He looks so clean, like he's never done a dirty thing in his life.
That was it, I had to ask him...."Are you okay?" "What's going on down there?" "Are your briefs too tight?" And yes, I really did ask him.
He looked at me, and apologized for scratching. He explained to me that he just returned from partying in Vegas and slept with a "FEW" girls and now he can't stop scratching. Now, I have NEVER in my life encountered crabs myself, but come on!!!! You are a 36 year old man and you can't look up your symptoms on WebMD? I did everything I could to keep from cracking up laughing and looking disgusted. I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. As soon as I closed the door, I let out the loudest cackle I could. I mean, I was in complete tears. After getting my laughter out, I wiped my face and reapplied my makeup. I came back out and met him at the bar. As soon as I sat down, he asked me if that was me laughing? I just looked at him and admitted that it was. He started to turn red, got up almost knocking over the stool and briskly walked out of the restaurant. I yelled out, "You need to do something about those crabs!"...My friend who is a bartender there just cracked up with me and poured me another drink.
(Note: If you have an STD, take care of that shit before you go on ANY dates!)
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