Bitch...You Are F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S (SNAP, SNAP)!!!!

Well my loves, it is true...I have been on a date with who I assume was "gay". My gay friends, aka my gay husbands all call me a "fruit fly." I'm totally supportive of anything gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual. I've volunteered for Mama's Kitchen since I was sixteen.  So I'm extremely passionate about gay rights. I think you're hearing me. But, oh boy I didn't expect to actually go on a "date" with a suspected gay man. On his profile he looked like a complete metro-sexual. Perfectly done eyebrows. Gorgeous alabaster skin. White chiclet (gum) like teeth. Cheekbones that would stop a drag queen in her size sixteen tracks. And that hair, oh that hair! I know this man has a hair product collection to rival any salon. (NOTE: I don't usually date men that posses more hair products than myself. I have an excuse...I have a vagina!) (NOTE 2: This was from my twenties, so I definitely don't do the metro-sexual male any longer. I love men that are manly, good with their hands and can throw me around the room.)

Anywho, he picked the place and we met at Nunu's.  Nunu's is a pretty laid back bar located between Downtown and Hillcrest. Great strong ass drinks, strong enough to make you forget your name or that you're a lady...it's happened to me before. Who makes out with a guy laying on the sidewalk...on a FIRST date!!! Now that was a fun date! 

So I walked into the bar and he was sitting in the first bar stool. He immediately stood up, snapped his fingers while screaming..."Yes, honey, Yes!" He took my hand and twirled me around. Now, it was still sunny outside so I was still mostly blind as I walked into this dark ass bar. He led me to the bar stool and snapped his fingers again and said, "Gurrrrl, you look FABULOUS! I'm loving the hair and the color of that blouse....FLAWLESS!" Wait, was I out with the "keeping it on the down low" guy? He wasn't doing such a good job, keeping it on the down low. We ordered our first round of drinks. I of course ordered a 7&7 and he ordered a Cosmo martini. I'm drinking an old school masculine cocktail and he's drinking the pussiest of pink drinks I've ever seen a man hold. It made his hands look a little feminine. I could not imagine these tiny woman like hands fondling my breasts at NO point. This just keeps getting better. He spoke of all the internet dates he's been on with girls. He explained that he was raised by all women, how they taught him to treat a lady right, manners and style. This explains alot! He told me about how "gay" friendly he was and how many of his friends are either drag queens or gay men. He also spoke and laughed about this party he went to in LA, where he ended up being the only "straight" man there. I'm just thinking, this guy could totally be my gay bestie! 

I couldn't help just staring at him because he was truly a beautiful man. But that's the problem. So basically every sexual thought I imagined was being popped by an imaginary pin. Dammit!!! After drink number 4, I felt like I had to ask. Was I in the midst of a "girlie" man or did he play on both sides of the fence? The thought of any kind of sex has been diminished so it's pretty much just curiosity at this point. So I asked him, " Have you ever been with a man?" He gasped so loudly that everyone in the bar looked at us. He open palmed his chest and looked disgusted. He snapped his fingers once again, this time in my face and said, "Oh, HELL NO YOU DIN'T!" I thought it was a fair question seeing that this man had more sugar coming out of him than the C&H Sugar Factory. He turned his whole body around in his bar stool, excused himself to the little boys room and diva walked to the bathroom. I shit you not! I mean he sashayed to the restroom with his hand on his hip. All I could see were rainbows and butterflies in his trail. There is no way this guy was straight. My gaydar was going off the scales!!!!

I finished my drink and at this point I would have rather been with my gay friends who are proud of who they are than this guy who is trying to run game. Dude, you drink like a girl, you look like a girl with gorgeous cheekbones, you walk like a girl....a spade is a spade! So, he returned from the restroom, sat down and started to explain every single sexual affair he's ever had with women. Anal, missionary, doggie style, in the park, in the car, in the shower, strap on's, vibrators, gag balls, whips, etc. I interrupted him mid sentence and had to ask about the strap on. "Who wore the strap on?", I questioned...he looked at me with the biggest eyes and answered...she did! He grabbed my hand and tried to convince me that he wasn't gay. I told him that I didn't care and we left it at that. I thought I would never see him again until my trip to San Fran. He is now a headliner at a drag club and looks F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!! I knew my gaydar worked fine!