Did You Just Say My Toes Look Like Skittles And You Want To Taste The Rainbow?!?

I knew there was a problem with this guy, when he told me my toes looked so delicious, they look like skittles. I'm going to call this one "Toe Jam Sam". I met him on Match. At first our emails back and forth were AMAZING! Never did I meet such an eloquent writer of words. We shared personal stories of humility,  tragedies and just plain stupid stuff. I was in complete awe of this man. He was in the financial industry. Can you say..."cha-ching". With a great job, wonderful personality how could I not meet him. As usual, he picked the place. 

So there I was, with a little skip in my step, a little sugar in my walk and a huge smile on my face because I was going to meet the man of my dreams. Little did I know, that "Toe Jam Sam" had a fondness for feet. 

Now, I have always had this thing about toes. I hate ugly ass feet. Can't stand them. If they were not well pedicured, you are not welcomed in my bed. If you have talons as toes, you are not shredding my fifteen hundred thread count sheets. No thank you! It's not happening...ever! If you can write on a chalkboard with your ashy feet, then please find a bottle of lotion or Johnsons Baby Oil. I think this issue comes from two things...my father's yucky feet and the movie Boomerang.  My dad had the worst feet I have ever seen. I'm talking about crusty, dry and nasty. Like someone dripped acid on his toenails, let them bubble up and harden. Not only was I surprised that my mom didn't care but neither did my step-mom. YUCK! If you've ever seen Boomerang,  then you'll remember the scene when Eddie Murphy pulled the sheets back to reveal Lela Rochons toes and to his surprise they were beautiful.  He laid his head back down on the pillow and let out a sigh of relief.  Well, since then my toes are always a priority especially if I have a date. My toes are done every two weeks, RELIGIOUSLY! 

So getting back to my date, I met him for lunch at the Cottage in La Jolla. Now, this little spot is awesome for people watching and they have great and healthy food. I've been eating here for years and never feel like a fat ass when I leave. I always feel healthy. 

So, I saw him sitting at a table closest to the exit...perfect for a quick getaway, I thought to myself. We greeted each other and as I sat down he intensely gazed at my toes. He proceeded to compliment them as if that's all I was...One big foot. He went on to compliment the shape, color and lack of cuticles. I was like, this is SUPER strange! This man continued to talk about my toes until he was interrupted by the server. She took our order and walked away. I ordered a nice glass of chilled chardonnay and he ordered a white wine spritzer (it IS during the day, and whiskey makes me friskey and I don't give anything up on the first date). I really thought that would be it for foot conversation,  but oh no! He asked me what size shoe I wore,  what's my favorite style of shoe, what's my favorite toenail color, have I ever had a man service my feet? SERVICE MY FEET, WTF?!? They're feet, not a car. The food comes and just as I dig into my oriental chicken salad, he asks me if he could take a picture of my feet for his personal collection? I'm trying to think, where the hell my perfect partner in crime went and who the fuck was this guy? He came off SO normal in his emails and this guy wants to basically eat my toes, caress my toes and enjoy them. He continued to tell me how he loves to eat food off of feet, lick in between the toes, and "shoot his load" on toes. He went on to tell me that he loves when girls wiggle their toes on his balls, under and on top, how much he likes his cock stroked by feet, and how he has a shoe collection that would make ANY drag queen jealous. I'm thinking, this dude belongs in the looney bin. 

He dropped his fork, told me to continue eating. I was really weirded out at this point, but hell no...is that a bottle of lotion he's pulled out of his suit jacket?!? The man carries hotel sample size lotion?!? He puts the bottle right next to him and starts to unbuckle my sandal. And the most creepy part about this is he has a Joker grin on his face and he's staring at me intently.  He is seriously going to massage my feet on the patio of this restaurant, with everyone to see. I yank my foot back, try to eat my salad as quickly as possible (I'm not going to waste that delicious salad) and get the hell out of dodge. As I got up to say goodbye, "Toe Jam Sam" yells out in front of the whole patio...."AT LEAST LET ME LICK THEM A LITTLE!!!"