You're Not Digging For Green Gold, Are You...?!? WTF!!!!

We're going to call this one..."BA, aka..The Booger Addict"
I know we all have to pick our noses from time to time, I use a tissue like a lady should. But this guy gave a new meaning to digging for the green gold...it was more like drilling for it.
I met "BA" on POF.  He had a great profile, extremely well written. He was an accomplished college professor. I went through my mental checklist of attributes I'm mostly attracted to and he seemed to have met every one of them. He had a warm and welcoming smile and his witty charm came through in his profile. It was evident that we were definitely attracted to one another.
As usual, I let him pick the place so we met at Pappalecco's, a cute little coffee shop in Little Italy.  I'm totally fine with coffee dates. It just conveys to me that my date is either testing me and my prize might be dinner or he's cheap as hell. Either way, this place has great gelato so that made me happy.
For the first time my date was early. Very cute, extreme blue eyes and a smile that can warm any chilly heart. I'm assuming that he was follicly challenged at a young age because I couldn't help but notice my reflection in his forehead. Either way, he was adorable.
I sat down at our table out front and our conversation couldn't of started any better. He painted an almost perfect life except I noticed that he couldn't stop touching his nose. Was this a nervous tick? Anywho, we continued to laugh and tell our life stories, but dammit if he didn't do it again. Except this time, his finger went inside his nose for a brief second. I'm thinking that maybe he has really bad allergies. I mean it has been awfully dry lately so, yes that had to be it.
My phone kept going off so I quickly apologized for seeming rude by answering it. I reached around to get my phone out of my handbag and I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. WTF!!! He was full on picking his nose. I turned back around quickly and watched his finger brush by his mouth. Did this man just attempt to eat his boogers?!? Holy Jesus, I'm on a date with a "picker".
How could this be? He was good looking, extremely intelligent and seemed genuinely appreciative of my company. I looked at him with what I think was shock because he asked if I was alright. I excused myself to the ladies room and as I walked through I had to peak through the window to see if he would do it again. OMG!!! He was full on digging for green nuggets and putting that same finger in his mouth. Holy crap, was he chewing on his boogers?!? And he dug in the other nostril as well. FML, I'm out with the "Booger Addict"! I stood there in complete shock for a couple of minutes. Is he hungry? How full can someone get eating the crust from their nose? Does he know that this coffee shop makes sandwiches?
I returned to the table and he reached out to hold my hand and I couldn't. He went cave diving in those two holes called his nostrils. Um no!
I made up some BS story about my mom needing me. I said goodbye, smiled and almost sprinted to my car.
Note to self...pay attention to a man who has nostrils the size of quarters.

What The Hell Is That Smell....Did You Just Fart During The Second Course?!?

We're going to call this one, "Deejay Farts-Alot". This man gave a new meaning to flatulence.  I met this absolutely elegant man on Match. I read his profile profusely almost memorizing it. He was a thirty seven year old partner of a law firm in La Jolla. In my mind, I was already interviewing nannies and house shopping in the Luxurious Homes of San Diego magazine. He stood at five foot eleven which is perfect for my five inch heels. Great profile, hair like wheat, and eyes like fall leaves. Our children would have been gorgeous! Operative word being used here..."would". So we exchanged emails, funny lawyer jokes and emoticons. I had to meet this man. I'm no eager beaver, but damn! So, he planned a lovely date at Eddie V's in La Jolla.  He was waiting for me at the valet booth. He must have just gotten off from work because the man was still looking absolutely SEXY in his two thousand dollar Armani suit (don't judge, I know my brands). At this point, I'm still thinking....okay I have morals, no having sex on the first date. That is a no no! But seriously, DAMN!!!! I was trying to hurry inside so I don't change my mind about dinner, wanting to take him by the hand, lead him to my car and do really bad things. As we walked through the doorway, something smelly...REALLY SMELLY breezed by my nose. I turned around and looked at him and he flashed his pearly whites. I recalled, we were very close to the seals so I'm sure it was them. 

We sat at a lovely table in the corner (had I thought that this would have been the biggest mistake ever, I would have asked for a booth) Candlelight and an intimate setting couldn't have been any more perfect until that smell appeared again. I'm thinking, what the hell is that smell? I know it wasn't me, but just to make sure I started doing the undercover sniffs that women do so we don't look like idiots. 

The conversation was exciting with lawyer jokes tucked in between sarcastic pokes at each other. We were mutually cracking up. He ordered a bottle of Opus One...again, DAMN! I was enjoying my first sip when I heard this odd sound coming from his side of the table. Did this man just pass gas in a four star restaurant? He didn't miss a beat. He continued to gab just like nothing happened. In my mind, we were married with two kids and a nanny, a golden retriever, a plantation house, a summer house, and "Deejay Farts-Alot " is blowing up the restaurant.  I had no words. This man is ruining my future fantasy. All because his ass is expelling nauseous gas. 

I tried my hardest to continue the conversation but it seemed like every ten minutes this shit smelling cloud would hover under my nose. I'm smiling but trying to hold my breath.  He asked me if I was okay because I think my face was the shade of eggplant. I told him I was fine and the conversation continued as well as holding my breath and trying not to pass the hell out. My steak FINALLY came and thank God it smelled delicious. Definitely better than the air in that corner table. I cut into my juicy steak and right on the horizon of my sight, "Deejay Farts-Alot" tilted his body to the left. Did he just lift an ass cheek, forcing one out? OMG!!!! That was the last straw! I had to ask him, "Dude what's up with the flatulence, I'm trying to enjoy this delightful side of cow and your gas is causing me to tear!" He leaned towards me, almost like he was going to tell me a secret and let out the most obnoxious sounding fart. I was so embarrassed, that I took my napkin and covered half my face. I did not want to be associated with him, AT ALL!!! How the hell do I get out of this fart fog? And the thing is, he didn't even apologize. He asked if I wanted another bottle of Opus One.  Of course I stayed for that, but as soon as that bottle was done, I exited stage left! Does Armani suits come with a fart guards?

Is That Pre Cum....Or Are You Happy To See Me?!?

We're going to call this one, "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump "...I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. This story is a bit different,  since I went on not one but two dates. The first date made me feel bad for the guy unlike all the ratchets I've been out with.

I met "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump" on a lovely dating site called Match. I'm sure you guys have heard that it's a respectable site for those truly looking for love. I received a very nice email from a man who wasn't really my type, but let's be honest...What the HELL is my type?!? I just knew that he wrote extremely eloquently and had a beautiful smile in ALL his pictures. So we exchanged emails, then numbers and from there came schedules. I always let the man pick the place for the first date. Hey, I'm all for compromising. If we make it to the second date, the lady gets to choose. So, I found myself on my way to the Prado in Balboa Park. 

The Prado has wonderful food and really great memories for me. Anywho, I met him at the hostess stand and we were led to a table overlooking the park. I don't know about you but I love when a man puts his hand on the small of your back. It's almost like he's screaming "she's mine," to the whole room. Like a dog pissing on a bush marking his territory. He was already earning points! 

We sat, (he rearranged the silverware on the table), we drank, (he asked for three of the same glasses of water, claiming they were all cloudy), we ate (he kept rearranging his plate) and laughed like two old biddies sitting on a park bench. The conversation was exciting. He was so intriguing in every way. From mountain climbing in the Alps to providing clean water in some small village in Africa. Could this be true? Have I found the perfect man, a male version of Mother Teresa?  So far, he has a platinum tongue and a heart of gold. 

I excused myself to the ladies room where of course I did a little "Googling." Yes, on the toilet. Hey, im all for multitasking, even in the bathroom. I know you guys do the same thing. So, he was actually truthful about everything. EVERYTHING!!!! Could this be, an honest online date? It's like seeing a unicorn, these types of guys DON'T don't exist! I returned back to the table and we left shortly after. We took a short walk through the gardens. And then, right there between two different types of orchids...he leaned in, pulled me close by the small of my back and laid those luscious lips on mine. As quickly as our kiss happened, his body jerked, he pushed me away while grabbing his junk. WTF!! I knew it wasn't my breath, since popping some mints right before whatever that was. Slowly, a wet spot started to appear on his crotch. I think this man came in his khakis!!! He started to apologize while trying to hide the jizz stain. I've never seen that happen in my life!!! It's happened while in the bedroom, but not in the Botanical Garden. I felt so bad. He was incredibly embarrassed. And before I knew it, he poofed out like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I know I can kiss, but DAMN!!! I knew I was never going to hear from "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump" again. Boy was I wrong...

I got a text a couple of days later from him. The poor guy was so apologetic and so embarrassed I felt awful, so I agreed to have dinner with him. 

I arrived at his place in La Jolla with a couple bottles of wine and a dress that could cause the hardest of hard-ons. I knew I was going to get saluted from the waist down that's for sure! I knew I looked good, so maybe I'll get a kiss that will last longer than a two second orgasm. Maybe a lil somethin', somethin'....Hey, I was having a major dry spell!!!! 

Dinner was amazing! Conversation was amazing! He looked amazing!!! It was amazing all around. I did notice a TON of antibacterial hand gel but thought nothing of it. 

So we took it to the couch. He leaned in, placing his hand on the nape of my neck....and his body began to jerk...AGAIN!!! But at least his orgasm was a little longer this time! But DAMN, are you kidding me? He excused himself, grabbing his crotch, running to the bathroom while apologizing profusely.  All I wanted to do, was excuse myself, to my car...like RUN to my car but he came back sooner than later and I lost my window. 

He came out, rubbing his hands with that antibacterial gel, still apologizing for his "problem". So, I figured...hell I'm already here. The "kitty" is dressed and ready to go. It's been one heck of a dry spell and he's already blown a load...This should be perfect. 

We go into the bedroom. He undressed me slowly, caressing my skin. I made sure to pick out some killer lingerie.  And he took one look at me and the man exploded in his boxers. The man reached his sexual pleasure peak in the matter of five minutes or less. I can't believe this is the third time! "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump" obviously has a premature ejaculating problem on top of washing his hands a million times. As I was trying to get dressed, I started to notice things about him and his place. Everything had its own place and even the vacuum lines were straight. OMG!!!! "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump," not only has a premature ejaculation problem...he's OCD...OMG, FML...I wished him well. Hopefully, he'll find a woman who appreciates second "short" orgasms, cause that definitely ain't me!!!  

Excuse Me Sir.....You Want Me To Put that Zucchini Where?!?

We will call this one, "Captain Jerp-Alot".

I've dated every type of man there is, from complete normal vanilla types to the ultimate of crazies. Well this one is in my file of "complete nutzos."

I met this psycho on Plenty of Fish. He seemed normal, COMPLETELY NORMAL...maybe that was the problem.  He sent me a message with just a "hello". We started to communicate back and forth exchanging pleasantries.  I briefly looked at his profile again just to make sure he fit the bill. He was a professional, over six feet tall, blonde hair, hazel eyes, and was very athletic....well that's what I got from his pictures. At this point, I'm thinking....yup, vanilla. 

He wanted to meet up so I figured a wine bar would be best. Since my birthday, I've always had a fondness for Enoteca Style in Little Italy. They have amazing food and the manager is a hoot. So we agreed to meet there. 

(NOTE: Always pick a place where you know someone if you're meeting a blind date. And make sure it's a VERY public place.) Im not trying to get kidnapped and sold on the black market for slave sex fetishes. 

I'm always early, or at least try to be for most dates. I gave the manager who is also my friend, the back story to this guy just so he could keep a close eye.

I sat at a table in the corner and waited for my date. In walked my date with swag to boot. He was dressed well, smelled fantastic and looked like he was freshly shorn aka...He just got a haircut. We exchanged smiles as he sat down. He introduced himself nicely and not too aggressively. We ordered and away the wine flowed. 

I found out that he was from the "good" Connecticut and not the "bad" Connecticut (I had no idea what that meant, but whatever.) He was a Harvard graduate with a business degree of some sort. His parents are still married, showing me pictures of family vacations and family Christmas pictures with matching sweaters. He skies every winter in Vail, Colorado where his family owns a lodge. He has a dog named Husk since he's a Huskey....original, I think not. He drives a five series BMW and lives in a penthouse downtown. You couldn't get any more bland than this...RIGHT?!? 

Well, I don't know about you guys but this lady can drink some wine. So, we were on our fourth bottle of wine and things started to get a little steamy. Hey, I was definitely attracted to this guy and a little and I mean a little sexual talk never hurt anyone. We exchanged our funniest sexual situations to the most dull. "Where was the craziest place I've ever had sex?", he asked. I answered, "hot air balloon." Yes, I know that's a weird place but I was dating the owner of the company at the time. 

He asked, "what is the weirdest thing I've ever had sex with?" HUH?!? WTF?!? What the hell was he talking about? I know the comfort level was high, but damn not that high! My response with a bit of hesitation was, "penises."

He said, "That's it?" I mean, what woman doesn't have a drawer of toys and batteries? Hey, every woman has a dry spell, why not add a little vibration to her repertoire. He went on to ask if I've ever had sex with a banana, zucchini, or cucumber? I told him, I don't put veges or fruits in my hoo hah. I must of had the look of disgust because he asked me if I knew what "jerping" was? Um, hell no I don't know what "jerping" was...WTF!!!! In my mind, his stock had crashed and now I'm continuing this date out of pure entertainment.  I'm not trying to be with someone who wants to make a salad with vegetables he's stuck in my vagina. But I sat there, wanting to crack the hell up because this man was totally serious. "Captain Jerp-Alot" went on to explain that he may have an MBA but nothing says exquisite than having a cold hard vegetable in you. I asked him if he performs this on himself. He looked at me with the widest eyes, grabbing my hand and the most explosive "YES!!!!" jumped out of his mouth. 

At this point the date has been over since finding out "Captain Jerp-Alot" likes to bump uglies with fruits and veggies.  Who molests produce like that? I eat my fruit, not take it on a date and try to seduce it. Eeeewwwwwww!!!! 

I said my goodbyes and bounced. All I could imagine was "Captain Jerp-Alot" sticking a defenseless cucumber in his....eeewwwww!!!!

Ummmmm ....Are Those Stuffed Animals on Your Bed....WTF?!?

We're going to call this one "Sir Furry Flurry".

So, I decided to try Match about five years ago because after reading three of my friends engagement announcements on Facebook I figured, "hell why not?" They found love on Match, why couldn't I? I swore, if a fourth friend announced her engagement on Facebook,  I was going to pack up and move to a nunnery or slit my wrists....seriously.
Anywho, I logged into my account and noticed an absolutely lovely man who sent me message. He was funny and very personable in his message. Look, any guy who can make me chuckle through words, has my vote! So, I wrote him back. We continued to innocently flirt through messages and in his last one he wanted to meet me. I was very hopeful so I said "YES".
We met at Mister A's downtown. The view is killer and so is the food. I walked in and saw this handsome and distinguished looking gentleman sitting at the bar. He stood up to greet me, and thank God he was taller than me. Broad shoulders, gorgeous smile and style to kill, I thought I'd met my match. Our conversation flowed like a river. He was just as hilarious in person as he was in his messages.
We finished dinner and decided to take a walk. He was a complete gentlemen in every way. Opening doors, offering his coat to me, pulling out my chair...This man was pulling out all the stops.
We arrived in front of this beautiful building. He asked if I would be interested in a glass of wine. I figured, it should be okay. (Note: I'm a bit of a prude, so trying to get between my legs on the first date will never happen, EVER! I don't care about what you own or who you are, it ain't happenin'!)
His place was impeccable.  Gorgeous interior, beautiful kitchen, and amazing artwork.  He poured a glass of wine for me, but I had to use the washroom before I took my first sip. I asked him where it was located. I walked down this long hallway and passed the bathroom. Hey, I wanted to see where all the magic happened so the door to the master was already open. I opened it a bit more and was instantly stunned!!! Were those stuffed animals on his California king size bed?!? I'm not talking about his childhood teddy bear. This man had over thirty stuffed animals on his bed. Stuffed dogs, bears, horses, zebras, tigers, monkeys and koalas. This man had a full zoo on his bed. "Sir Furry Flurries" Ark!!! I don't have one stuffed animal on my bed or anywhere in my house and this guy has a ton.
He walked up behind me since I'm sure I was taking longer than the usual in the bathroom. He asked, "What do you think?" He ran past me and jumped on his bed and started rolling around in them like a happy pig in mud. I know if those animals had voices, they would be screaming bloody murder! He was rubbing them on his face and all over his body. He started moaning quite loudly. I was stunned. Completely STUNNED!!!! All I could think was, " that poor stuffed koala bear!" I was about to turn away to exit this horrific scene of beastiality when he asked me to join him. He shot up out of the bed and told me he had a surprise for me. He walked over to his walk in closet and pulled out all these furry animal costumes. One zebra and one horse in his size and one dog and one unicorn in a smaller size. He starts taking ALL his clothes off and puts the zebra costume on. I'm just staring at him with a gapped mouth and huge eyeballs. I mean, this is a grown ass man in a zebra costume. "Sir Furry Flurry" asks me, "do you know what furries are?" At this point, I'm speechless.  He goes on to give me the Urban Dictionary definition of a "furry." WTF?!? How the hell did I get myself into this and how the hell do I get myself out of it? A sickness, a meeting, asthma attack, a family emergency! Anything to get me out of this mess. "Sir Furry Flurry" is now prancing around his luxurious bedroom dressed as a zebra...A ZEBRA, people!!! He's rubbing up against his walls, dressers and anything else in that room while moaning his face off. He's actually turned on by wearing this costume. And let me say, I know that zebras are definitely packing more than this guy. I've watched one or two wildlife documentaries in my lifetime. He was rock hard and it was pointing right at me. HIS PENIS WAS SALUTING ME!!! He started to prance towards me, I dropped the costumes, grabbed my Fendi and bounced.  WTF was that? I'm hoping and praying that his elevator came before he did...

Excuse Me Sir, Do You Have Crabs?

So folks, here is another dating story from my archives of online dating. We will call this guy, "Mr. Crab Fest".  So, I've been dating online for five or six years. From Plenty of Fish to Match and now Tinder, I really can't make any of this stuff up. I met "Mr. Crab Fest" on POF and I thought he couldn't of been anymore perfect. He had eyes the color of sea glass, so beautiful I was seriously thinking of multiracial babies with these eyes. He had gorgeous tan skin just like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, amazingly delicious. Oh, and his lips...God his lips were full and beautiful like two delicious plump pink pillows. This man was GORGEOUS!!! If a man has me thinking of procreating, then he must be from the heavens.

So, we agreed to meet at Searsucker downtown.  I am usually on time or a bit early so I can do one last check before meeting my date. As I was coming out of the women's restroom, in walks this adonis! Every woman snapped their head back just to watch this man walk. But I noticed as he was walking in, he kept adjusting himself. I figured, hell this man might just be the size of a VERY large salami or he is wearing some pretty tight chonies. He looked like a million bucks, a billion bucks, maybe even a trillion bucks. But his hand kept creeping towards his junk. 

I met him at the bar for a cocktail. My go to date drink is either a 7&7 or a glass of pinot noir. I drink 7&7's if I need a stiff one because my date is a disaster and looks a hot mess and a glass of pinot if I want to linger a bit longer because this man has my attention. 

So "Mr. Crab Fest" was a delight to talk to. Very well spoken and knew how to crack jokes. Unfortunately,  the punch line came after he scratched his schlong. Yes peeps, this man was a hardcore scratcher. I couldn't help it, my eyes would always drift towards his crotch because his hand remained there. I mean, scratching worse than anyone who has ever had eczema. Scratching worse than getting bit by a few hundred fleas. Grabbing at that thing like he was trying to keep it from falling off. Using any part of his arm to rub it, tug it and scratch it. And he was somewhat hard!!! He was making himself HARD!!! His eyes would roll to the back of his head like he was about to achieve ecstasy from scratching. He grabbed my arm and let out a slight moan and quickly tried to regain his composure. This guy was having an orgasm from his scratching. He basically came in his slacks.  This is the first time in my life that I know that it wasn't me that turned this man on. I've never seen such a thing. Could this be? Could this beautiful man have crabs?!?! He looks so clean, like he's never done a dirty thing in his life. 

That was it, I had to ask him...."Are you okay?" "What's going on down there?" "Are your briefs too tight?" And yes, I really did ask him. 

He looked at me, and apologized for scratching. He explained to me that he just returned from partying in Vegas and slept with a "FEW" girls and now he can't stop scratching.  Now, I have NEVER in my life encountered crabs myself, but come on!!!! You are a 36 year old man and you can't look up your symptoms on WebMD? I did everything I could to keep from cracking up laughing and looking disgusted. I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. As soon as I closed the door, I let out the loudest cackle I could. I mean, I was in complete tears. After getting my laughter out, I wiped my face and reapplied my makeup. I came back out and met him at the bar. As soon as I sat down, he asked me if that was me laughing? I just looked at him and admitted that it was. He started to turn red, got up almost knocking over the stool and briskly walked out of the restaurant.  I yelled out, "You need to do something about those crabs!"...My friend who is a bartender there just cracked up with me and poured me another drink.

(Note: If you have an STD, take care of that shit before you go on ANY dates!)

The Overeater...Aka Yes He Ate My Dinner

The truth is in the title folks! So, this date is definitely from the past. I'll say about 5 years ago. I met this guy on POF. His profile showed that he was athletic,  financially sound and confident which I don't know about you ladies but trying to find all of these qualities in a man is down right impossible (and that's only three qualities).  So I was like, WOO HOO, JACKPOT!!!! He was quite handsome in his pictures. They definitely looked like LinkedIn pictures with the clean haircut, nice tie and toothy grin. It's not like you really had much of a choice 5 years ago, and I was freshly back on the market so I figured..."hell, why not?" The guy has a chiseled jaw, magnificent blue eyes, he has all of his teeth, a job and a car. What could be so bad, RIGHT?!?
Well, we agreed to meet at El Camino in Little Italy.  I had never been there since they changed ownership so I wanted to try it. Little did I know that this was going to be dum, dum, dum....The date from over eaters anonymous!
I walked by this guy that had similar looks to they guy I was meeting but this guy had to be well over 150 lbs, so it couldn't of been him. I walked right past him and proceeded to touch the handle of the door when he called out my name! In a questioning sort of way, "Melissa?" exited those lips and I stopped dead in my tracks. Could this be, was this the same guy? I walked over, shook his hand and we went inside. The thoughts that were going through my mind would make me sound so immature,  so shallow but I couldn't help it. I look exactly like ALL my pictures and he DEFINITELY didn't.
So we sat down at the bar. The bartender handed us our menus and we ordered. He asked for some kind of sampler plate and I was trying to think of the fastest type food I could eat to get this date over with, so I ordered the chicken quesadilla.  We ordered drinks as well and I couldn't wait for my 7&7. So our food came and he started to devour his plate before it touched the bar. It was like watching a little Ethiopian kid eat rice for the first time. I just sat and smiled, while he smiled back at me with cheese and sour cream all over his mouth.  Trying to get over this disgusting scene, I started to eat. I was full about the fourth triangle, when I excused myself to the ladies room. When I got back from trying to plan my escape,  I noticed that my plate was completely empty. EMPTY PEOPLE!!!! I left my poor defenseless quesadilla with this man, and he murdered it!!!! I sat down next to him, and he said, "I assumed you were done, and I don't believe in wasting food." Obviously,  food never missed his mouth since this guy ate the guy I was originally supposed to meet. The bartender looked at me with sympathetic eyes, handed me another pity cocktail and said "you're going to need this, after this date."
So, I told my date that I had a family function to get to (LIE, but anything to get me out of this date!) (Sidenote: Your family members are the best scapegoats you have, so use them if necessary!)
So we said our goodbyes, and he tried to kiss me. I did the duck and dive method, since the man still had crusted over guacamole in the corner of his mouth. That was the last time I went out with "The Overeater....."

The Anal Guy, Aka Napoleon Anal....FML!!!!

Well folks, here's another lovely date story so fresh it happened last night. I know that I'm supposed to start from 6 years ago,  but I had to write about this one. I'm going to call him "The Anal Guy". So, he and I had been texting back and forth for weeks and we finally decided to meet last night. I figured since I knew what he looked like from his pictures and the hilarious content of his profile, that this was going to be a fun date. He picked the place, so we met at Basic in downtown San Diego.

I had gotten there a little early so I sat with my friend Jen at the bar. My date approached us and Jen left. We laughed and we talked shit. It was awesome until around our third drink....dum, dum, dum...and "anal" flew out of his mouth. My eyes popped out of my head and my mouth gaped open. (In my head, I'm thinking...."did this guy really just say ANAL?") He went on to ask me if I've ever tried anal before? I was still completely in shock,  like mortified. I answered, "Um, no. I don't like it, It's not my thing." So, he went on to ask me why I haven't tried it, how many girls have let him, that I should let him try...at least a finger, why it's better to have anal sex at night than in the morning because they're still bullets in the chamber in the morning, how important it is to do an enema because he's been in a situation with a girl who, ahem, didn't properly clean herself and they both ended up being covered in shit, what his method is and that it'll be very gentle? This conversation about anal went on for twenty minutes. TWENTY MINUTES!!!! Now, I'm not one to judge, but if a woman says no, then that should be the end of it...at least you would think. But no, then he talked about playing with anal toys, that the vibration will help the area relax. Oh, and I wished it stopped there. After our third drink, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place and "chill" and to "relax", maybe drink a little wine. The bartender asked if we wanted another and before he could tell her no, I said "YES, I'll take another 7&7!". He gave me the dirtiest look and ordered another beer. I couldn't drink my cocktail fast enough! I told him it was getting late and I needed to be up really early, (lie)...but hey, anything to get me out of this situation.  So we stood up to go and I didn't realize that Anal Guy is only 5'8"! I'm at least 6'0" tall with my wedges on....so basically I was out with Napoleon Anal! 

The best part is that when we were parting, he stood on his tippy toes to hug me and kiss me goodbye....WTF was I thinking!!! 

My Introduction.....Who Likes These?

Well what can I say? I'm 35, single, financially independent and I live in this beautiful city called San Diego. Unfortunately, dating here is a bit lacking. Being a strong woman in this city is depressing. Men call you "intimidating", "stuck up", and even "bitch" if they know you own property, pay your own bills and really don't require help. What am I, a damsel in distress? Uh, no. I'm just me.
So, I decided to cast a wider net and began online dating 5 years ago shortly after my long term relationship ended. I can't say it's been rainbows and unicorns, but I do have some hilarious stories to share. Example: A pre ejaculating, germaphobic man who couldn't help blowing his load in his boxer briefs EVERYTIME we made out within 10 minutes of swapping spit to another online date I didn't recognize because he was 150 lbs heavier than his pictures and he not only ate his food but mine as well, without my permission. The bartender looked at me with sympathetic eyes, handed me a pity cocktail and told me, "Hun, you're definitely going to need this especially after this date".
So I hope all of you will laugh, share and commiserate with me. Let's chew the fat ladies!!!!