I've dated every type of man there is, from complete normal vanilla types to the ultimate of crazies. Well this one is in my file of "complete nutzos."
I met this psycho on Plenty of Fish. He seemed normal, COMPLETELY NORMAL...maybe that was the problem. He sent me a message with just a "hello". We started to communicate back and forth exchanging pleasantries. I briefly looked at his profile again just to make sure he fit the bill. He was a professional, over six feet tall, blonde hair, hazel eyes, and was very athletic....well that's what I got from his pictures. At this point, I'm thinking....yup, vanilla.
He wanted to meet up so I figured a wine bar would be best. Since my birthday, I've always had a fondness for Enoteca Style in Little Italy. They have amazing food and the manager is a hoot. So we agreed to meet there.
(NOTE: Always pick a place where you know someone if you're meeting a blind date. And make sure it's a VERY public place.) Im not trying to get kidnapped and sold on the black market for slave sex fetishes.
I'm always early, or at least try to be for most dates. I gave the manager who is also my friend, the back story to this guy just so he could keep a close eye.
I sat at a table in the corner and waited for my date. In walked my date with swag to boot. He was dressed well, smelled fantastic and looked like he was freshly shorn aka...He just got a haircut. We exchanged smiles as he sat down. He introduced himself nicely and not too aggressively. We ordered and away the wine flowed.
I found out that he was from the "good" Connecticut and not the "bad" Connecticut (I had no idea what that meant, but whatever.) He was a Harvard graduate with a business degree of some sort. His parents are still married, showing me pictures of family vacations and family Christmas pictures with matching sweaters. He skies every winter in Vail, Colorado where his family owns a lodge. He has a dog named Husk since he's a Huskey....original, I think not. He drives a five series BMW and lives in a penthouse downtown. You couldn't get any more bland than this...RIGHT?!?
Well, I don't know about you guys but this lady can drink some wine. So, we were on our fourth bottle of wine and things started to get a little steamy. Hey, I was definitely attracted to this guy and a little and I mean a little sexual talk never hurt anyone. We exchanged our funniest sexual situations to the most dull. "Where was the craziest place I've ever had sex?", he asked. I answered, "hot air balloon." Yes, I know that's a weird place but I was dating the owner of the company at the time.
He asked, "what is the weirdest thing I've ever had sex with?" HUH?!? WTF?!? What the hell was he talking about? I know the comfort level was high, but damn not that high! My response with a bit of hesitation was, "penises."
He said, "That's it?" I mean, what woman doesn't have a drawer of toys and batteries? Hey, every woman has a dry spell, why not add a little vibration to her repertoire. He went on to ask if I've ever had sex with a banana, zucchini, or cucumber? I told him, I don't put veges or fruits in my hoo hah. I must of had the look of disgust because he asked me if I knew what "jerping" was? Um, hell no I don't know what "jerping" was...WTF!!!! In my mind, his stock had crashed and now I'm continuing this date out of pure entertainment. I'm not trying to be with someone who wants to make a salad with vegetables he's stuck in my vagina. But I sat there, wanting to crack the hell up because this man was totally serious. "Captain Jerp-Alot" went on to explain that he may have an MBA but nothing says exquisite than having a cold hard vegetable in you. I asked him if he performs this on himself. He looked at me with the widest eyes, grabbing my hand and the most explosive "YES!!!!" jumped out of his mouth.
At this point the date has been over since finding out "Captain Jerp-Alot" likes to bump uglies with fruits and veggies. Who molests produce like that? I eat my fruit, not take it on a date and try to seduce it. Eeeewwwwwww!!!!
I said my goodbyes and bounced. All I could imagine was "Captain Jerp-Alot" sticking a defenseless cucumber in his....eeewwwww!!!!
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