I met "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump" on a lovely dating site called Match. I'm sure you guys have heard that it's a respectable site for those truly looking for love. I received a very nice email from a man who wasn't really my type, but let's be honest...What the HELL is my type?!? I just knew that he wrote extremely eloquently and had a beautiful smile in ALL his pictures. So we exchanged emails, then numbers and from there came schedules. I always let the man pick the place for the first date. Hey, I'm all for compromising. If we make it to the second date, the lady gets to choose. So, I found myself on my way to the Prado in Balboa Park.
The Prado has wonderful food and really great memories for me. Anywho, I met him at the hostess stand and we were led to a table overlooking the park. I don't know about you but I love when a man puts his hand on the small of your back. It's almost like he's screaming "she's mine," to the whole room. Like a dog pissing on a bush marking his territory. He was already earning points!
We sat, (he rearranged the silverware on the table), we drank, (he asked for three of the same glasses of water, claiming they were all cloudy), we ate (he kept rearranging his plate) and laughed like two old biddies sitting on a park bench. The conversation was exciting. He was so intriguing in every way. From mountain climbing in the Alps to providing clean water in some small village in Africa. Could this be true? Have I found the perfect man, a male version of Mother Teresa? So far, he has a platinum tongue and a heart of gold.
I excused myself to the ladies room where of course I did a little "Googling." Yes, on the toilet. Hey, im all for multitasking, even in the bathroom. I know you guys do the same thing. So, he was actually truthful about everything. EVERYTHING!!!! Could this be, an honest online date? It's like seeing a unicorn, these types of guys DON'T don't exist! I returned back to the table and we left shortly after. We took a short walk through the gardens. And then, right there between two different types of orchids...he leaned in, pulled me close by the small of my back and laid those luscious lips on mine. As quickly as our kiss happened, his body jerked, he pushed me away while grabbing his junk. WTF!! I knew it wasn't my breath, since popping some mints right before whatever that was. Slowly, a wet spot started to appear on his crotch. I think this man came in his khakis!!! He started to apologize while trying to hide the jizz stain. I've never seen that happen in my life!!! It's happened while in the bedroom, but not in the Botanical Garden. I felt so bad. He was incredibly embarrassed. And before I knew it, he poofed out like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I know I can kiss, but DAMN!!! I knew I was never going to hear from "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump" again. Boy was I wrong...
I got a text a couple of days later from him. The poor guy was so apologetic and so embarrassed I felt awful, so I agreed to have dinner with him.
I arrived at his place in La Jolla with a couple bottles of wine and a dress that could cause the hardest of hard-ons. I knew I was going to get saluted from the waist down that's for sure! I knew I looked good, so maybe I'll get a kiss that will last longer than a two second orgasm. Maybe a lil somethin', somethin'....Hey, I was having a major dry spell!!!!
Dinner was amazing! Conversation was amazing! He looked amazing!!! It was amazing all around. I did notice a TON of antibacterial hand gel but thought nothing of it.
So we took it to the couch. He leaned in, placing his hand on the nape of my neck....and his body began to jerk...AGAIN!!! But at least his orgasm was a little longer this time! But DAMN, are you kidding me? He excused himself, grabbing his crotch, running to the bathroom while apologizing profusely. All I wanted to do, was excuse myself, to my car...like RUN to my car but he came back sooner than later and I lost my window.
He came out, rubbing his hands with that antibacterial gel, still apologizing for his "problem". So, I figured...hell I'm already here. The "kitty" is dressed and ready to go. It's been one heck of a dry spell and he's already blown a load...This should be perfect.
We go into the bedroom. He undressed me slowly, caressing my skin. I made sure to pick out some killer lingerie. And he took one look at me and the man exploded in his boxers. The man reached his sexual pleasure peak in the matter of five minutes or less. I can't believe this is the third time! "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump" obviously has a premature ejaculating problem on top of washing his hands a million times. As I was trying to get dressed, I started to notice things about him and his place. Everything had its own place and even the vacuum lines were straight. OMG!!!! "Senior Neaty Freaky Single Pump Chump," not only has a premature ejaculation problem...he's OCD...OMG, FML...I wished him well. Hopefully, he'll find a woman who appreciates second "short" orgasms, cause that definitely ain't me!!!
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